Dejection in my transition

I don't think I have written about this nearly as much as I should. Because I have gone off and on my hormone meds many times now I feel I have fucked up my transition to a point and it is very disheartening.

A day in the sun cleaning up

Warmth is finally coming. We had a warm day today, so I took Vanessa up to my old outlook where I did some cleaning up while basking in the sun.

I cleaned Vanessa's wheels, they were so gross. I also finally finished replacing the weather stripping on the plastic cover …

A moment of clarity

I awoke from something awkward and awful. Half past five in the morning is a lovely time to be filled with dread and unknowing.

I envisioned my behavior at my last job as toxic. I wanted to be a good monkey, but I failed. Then I found my way inside …

What I've been up to

I figured I would actually share what's going on, because I haven't been writing about this stuff enough. Partly because I am depressed. Partly because I don't know how I feel yet about sharing this stuff on the internet.

I have been helping my mother pack up the family house …

Voices want to sound like robots again and so what

Voices, whether analog or digitial are again sound like they have a robot filter on them.

It happens less in analog, but I'm starting to think it is related to how much pain I am experiencing.

Living for myself

I have felt for quite some time now that I cannot live for myself. Every time I try to figure it out I end up feeling my only choice would be to end my life. Now, almost a year into reality I am questioning again if it is possible.

I …

hrt 4 year anniversary

I forgot about it.

This makes me sad.

My perception of hrt has changed from a hopeful uplifting positive thing to a dark torturous painful requirement.

I hate this.

Is this really the life I'm stuck with?

I have no idea what I'm doing. I have this drive to be something of a martyr, a public figure or at least a devout public servant. All of me screams in anger about my situation while dragging my stupid life towards this goal of living with a purpose designed …

My Transition... so far

I haven't been writing about transition specific things, and I figured I should. So here is an introduction to my transition...

I just had a glimpse of how I might gain weight

I adore empathy. In turn this really means I love imagination. It is through using my imagination and wholly attempting to live it, I am able to create such empathy.

Tonight, after gourging on food, I went out for another snack. As I was eating I realized my stomach was …

Mew, give it time.

Mew doodle do, I'm thinking of you.
I hope that today you're feeling less blue.
Cause in a couple days everything will be alright!
The clouds will clear and you will jeer, 

Stuck in MA

So, due to many reasons, I have decided to stay in MA until the summer hits. I know. SADFACE.

Now the plan is to focus on selling stuff, getting my kitchen built in Vanessa, and continuing my other plans as much as I can while still in MA.

I do …

Drive Shaft Bearing

Sigh. so the Wheel bearings didn't fix the issue I was feeling. Turns out it was the center drive shaft bearing.

I had made assumptions it would be the bearings, instead of investigating deeply. And while I needed to do that bearing anyway, I felt disappointed. Anyway, Vanessa is all …