Dejection in my transition

I don't think I have written about this nearly as much as I should. Because I have gone off and on my hormone meds many times now I feel I have fucked up my transition to a point and it is very disheartening.

Okay, so let's be clear, it's really just one thing that's deeply upsetting.

I have lost my boobs

In the sense that four times my boobs have grown to an acceptable size, tiny sure, but notable. Four times they have shrunk back down to almost nothing.

This breaks my heart in ways most don't seem to understand.

I stop my hormone treatment when I can't stand the pain any longer. This has always happened in the winter, when my tense cold body is tearing at my joints and it's too much. So I stop taking my spiro in an effort to reduce my side effects and try to hurt less. Every time I do this, I lose my breasts.

Couple my pain with my inability to eat normally, my depressive episodes, and it seems inevitable I'd lose them.

My greatest fear is that I've "spent" all my breast growth and I will never get boobs again. Thinking about this makes me tear up every time. What if I MUST get implants in order to have boobs, which I've had before and lost several times? I don't want that reality. I really don't.

So what can I do about it?

I am trying to focus again on how I can fix this problem. I've been wallowing a lot lately. Mostly because it is still cold in MA so I'm not mentally prepared to go back on my Spiro.

So here's the list.

• Talk to doctor about other chemical to suppress testosterone other than Spiro
• I've heard of trans women using:
  • Finasteride
  • Cyproterone Acetate
  • Flutamide/Bicalutamide
  • Lupron
• Back in the day they used to "brute force" T suppressing with Estradiol Injections. But, I was on a rather large dose of injection and nothing happened.

I am seeing my doctor in a couple weeks. I'm quite certain I will be saying to him

We need to seriously consider other options than Spironolactone for my anti-androgen, and if you can't, or won't, please be candid with me because I need to find someone who will.

The last time I saw him I meekly tried to talk about this. His response was "I'll ask around" and "have you considered an orchiectomy?" After much consideration, I am not ready to move towards surgery, so no orchi for me yet.

I hate this

I know some girls can't take HRT for health reasons, but I have been unable to find any online who have had the same issue as me. To grow and lose them many times is crushing me. I really wish I could express how devastating this is. I had real boobs that made me happy for these brief moments. And I keep fucking losing them.

The other day someone tried to get frisky with me and as soon as they touched my chest I nearly started bawling right there. It killed the mood for me completely.

I will not be defined by my body. I will not be defined by my body. I will not be defined by my body. 😢