A quiet night stares
closed eyes and everything touches you
the humid air engulfs your skin
the smell of swamp burns
it doesn't have to be this way.

Another step away from them
twigs snap, bones ache
and all I ever wanted was me
not because of them
fucking …

Help people, not ideas

I am offering some time and money to someone in my life who is heavily involved in a church. As I considered if they had enough help I played a quick story in my head where I volunteered my time on a regular basis. Yes, I am not religious and …

A year of realness: thoughts for long term sufferers of DPDR

After 29 years of life I finally became real. In my one year of realness I have changed significantly, some ways desirable, many ways I'm still horrified of. I wanted to share some thoughts on how my long term depersonalization has impacted my entrance into reality.

First and foremost I …

Approved for Lupron

For a month now I have been waiting for my doctor to see if I could get my insurance to cover Lupron as my primary anti-androgen. I was told a week ago or so that I was approved and I will start taking Lupron injections soon.

This is interesting because …

I am one year real

Saturday was the day. I had a party where I invited some people close to me to come out and play in a park by the ocean. It was easier than I expected to have them all in the same place. Unfortunately some of the people I really wish were …

Why must I keep trying?

I have been on the verge of wanting to make more progress in my transition. I am still trapped by so many things. I want to keep moving forward. I want to become stronger.

Every time I get right in front of one of my walls it is always the …

My experience on the victim mentality

Having come from the undercarriage of social life, the depressed anxious shamed part of society I was surrounded by the victim mentality for a large part of my conscious life. I held it, the victim mentality.

Many people are born into situations either physical or social that lends them to …

Happy 2 years Vanessa 😍

Thank you for the love so far, the experiences, and more to come. I'm sorry you were hurt recently, please trust I will take care of you.

Starting Finasteride

Last night I begun taking Finasteride as my testosterone suppressant. The spironolactone had fucked with me enough that I put my foot down to try something else. While, this chemical is not very effective, it is a stepping stone to trying Lupron. So I will try to track my progress …

Vanessa got in a minor accident

My mother was driving, we were shortly off the highway and a merging truck did not yield to us. My mother had no option to change lanes and the clipped my slider door and scraped toward the back. Very minor, but damn am I pissed.

I have not been in …

I went to my first concert in a long time to see "This Will Destroy You"

I was super jazzed. They were doing a tenth anniversary tour of their self title album. My favorite album of theirs alongside their first, Young Mountain. If they were playing their new stuff I would not have gone.

But I went because this album has played an important roll in …

Gallery Page updated

I finally updated the gallery page to be more friendly-ish...

  • implemented lazyloading of images
  • no-js collapse of albums
  • handles no-js okay

Now, it only loads 800kb to start, instead of 20mb+ yay

Sometimes I think my chronic pain is a lie, today I felt better about it

A couple days ago I spent a couple hours picking up trash at my favorite outlook. I tried my very best to bend properly, go slow, and take care of my body. It was exhausting and I needed a nap after. Turns out, I also worked out a lot of …