A moment of clarity

I awoke from something awkward and awful. Half past five in the morning is a lovely time to be filled with dread and unknowing.

I envisioned my behavior at my last job as toxic. I wanted to be a good monkey, but I failed. Then I found my way inside the last two years. I see myself from a rather disappointed place.

I start and stop my medications. I feel invigorated and productive only to crash into binge watching and internet lurking. I am sociable and friendly before cowering alone. I hold hope tightly then let it spill across the bed.

I try and try again to find firm ground, but sink every time.

Am I a bipolar sociopath?
A depressed emotionally detached chronic pain addict?
A ?

I come across intelligent and capable. I suppose those things are true, but I mean to imply I hide my chaos very well. I position myself as this caring, empathetic, selfless soul who must help others. Any hope at living selfishly is rejected in a heartbeat. I must remain trapped.

I should hold tightly to the fact I have only been real for a year. That's it. This sensation of connection with my life is that young. As my friend said "the rest will come". I am filling in the spaces now. Finally. And I do have proof of that. So I suppose this moment is expected.

Does that mean I am getting better slowly?

I doubt this moment will amount to any obvious change quickly. It may not even be defining. Maybe it is another step of many similar moments which I am building my recovery. Maybe by writing this down, and making sure I capture this moment in my mind by writing about it I will help ensure it gets added to the glue.