Living for myself

I have felt for quite some time now that I cannot live for myself. Every time I try to figure it out I end up feeling my only choice would be to end my life. Now, almost a year into reality I am questioning again if it is possible.

I tend to believe all my actions have some other benefactor in mind which is unlikely. I tend to claim I have no friends and suck at making them. Aside from a few people, cisgender people are a strong source of envy for me so I don't end up befriending them.

Anyone who reads this drivel is likely shaking their head at my bullshit. Which is fine. I don't really care. But it does make me think about what my life is actually like. To be someone in my shoes, with my bullshit, it's a lovely show isnt't it? All I ever wanted in life was to be a barefoot prancing little wood fairy but I cannot be any of those things. So this is what I settle for.

If I am to survive all this I'm quite sure I will need to find a reason to live for myself. Will that day ever come?