My Transition... so far

I haven't been writing about transition specific things, and I figured I should. So here is an introduction to my transition...

I use the word transsexual

I think it is very important to distinguish between gender(expression) dysphoria, and body(sex) dysphoria.

Expression dysphoria is about the outside, how we present ourselves to the world. Sex dysphoria is about the relationship with the body. In the cases where they seem to overlap it is even more important to determine which of these dysphoria roots the issue.

As I like to remind people, the universe is free to experience all kinds. There are some people with no sex dypshoria, some people with a little, and some with a lot. Combine that idea with expression dysphoria and we can have a huge spectrum of how people relate to their body and the world.

Because I feel my primary issue is my relationship with my body, I use the word transsexual to describe this facet of my life. Expression, while important and I want to get better at it, has not felt like the driving cause of this change in my life.

I hate expression

But mostly because I suck at it. I wish I Was good at it, but I don't think that is my purpose in life. I still struggle with buying clothing, sharing my feelings, and generally allowing who I am to exist in the world. Thanks DPDR.

I try actively on a regular basis to fight this. I want to be expressive. I wish I could dance, and simply put my emotions in the world. But it's pretty fucking hard. I can't even buy clothing for myself without it being a major thing.

Another reason expression is hard is because I still see myself as male mostly, in mirrors. My lack of breasts also effects my relationship with expression. Because it is so difficult to remain on my medications, I have grown and lost my breasts four times now. And they may never come back now. We'll see. It is not that I have small breasts, there is quite literally so little tissue on my body you wouldn't know I had breasts. It breaks my heart and makes me feel inadequate. I never wanted a large chest, I just wanted A chest.

Bleh

Feel free to not read the narrative. It's boring and unintseresting. But I figured I'd right it down.

Hopefully I write a bit more about my transition. I hope it pushes me to make more progress because I don't want to remain stagnant.

My narrative

Amidst acknowledging my chronic pain for the first time in early 2012 I began exploring my strugles with expression. After a number of months it became clear to me I was drawn to what we call "feminine" expression. In the following months I drew out the reality that, it was my body not being female which distressed me. I then knew I would need to medically transition from male to female.

The very first thing I was confident about was my distaste for facial hair. I started laser hair removal treatments. It took another handful of months before I could get access to hormone treatement. Spring 2014 I started Estradiol and Spironolactone.

The following year was mostly okay. I had quit my job and was focusing on my transition. However an unwarrented arrest and the increase of my chronic pain threw shit into the trenches. January 2015 I tried to end my life.

Thankfully a friend of mine was willing to take the responsibility of sending me to a hospital. Through her insistence I was registered as female, that event is a major factor in my recovery. I spent a month or so in a partial hopsitalization program.

Shortly after I left that program, I worked for one more year at a startup, learning later it was a true pity hire. But I was fired because my health deteriorated and they sucked at communcation and management.

In that year of working, I played with my hormone dose a lot. I had attempted to end my life because I had found out my hormone treatment made my chornic pain worse. After trying all kinds of dosing options I concluded I needed to stay on hormones despite the increase of chronic pain.

As I left my job, I was beginning my new chapter of van life. I bought a van in late spring 2016 and spent the summer converting it to a livable space. I did a trip to Nova Scotia, a trip to the Carolinas. I spent the winter in MA.

2017 I left for Florida at the beginning of spring. It was on this trip I became real. For the summer in MA, I began injections for my estrogen. I was very happy with the switch. I felt good. I made another trip to Florida in the end of fall.

2018 I came back to MA in January. Here I shall stay until the summer and what's next I don't know.