A year of realness: thoughts for long term sufferers of DPDR

After 29 years of life I finally became real. In my one year of realness I have changed significantly, some ways desirable, many ways I'm still horrified of. I wanted to share some thoughts on how my long term depersonalization has impacted my entrance into reality.

First and foremost I am still generally afraid to make changes of conviction in my life. My decades of unreality stripped me of my sense of self, desires, preferences. Today, when my mind tries to tell me what I'm attracted to or desire my first reaction is to retract and understand WHY I want that. Contrary to how I'm told I should behave, it feels deeply unsettling to me to make a choice unless I know it's my REAL choice. Sadly I learn over and over I can never know enough about me and the universe to fully comprehend the cause for my preferences. If your DPDR prevents you from self expression, I'd expect it to continue for some time after reality. The length I think will depend on how long you were unreal. I couldn't even buy a new pair of socks without freaking out when I was in DPDR.

Another consequence of my longevity in limbo seems to be a general susceptibility to ideas. I felt this in my unreality that any idea could infect me so I became rather timid about what I took in. My new sense of realness made me feel empowered to explore but I have suffered the consequences. I still have yet to form a strong enough conviction and fortitude to withstand confronting unhealthy ideas for any extended period of time. Be wary about your path. Respect the power of ideas. Learn intently.

A more personal issue stems from empathy. Since I had no sense of self nearly all my thoughts were directed toward others. This habit of thinking gave me some great insights into human behavior but also gave me some blind spots. As I've become more self oriented in my thoughts I've found more anger, selfishness, frustration, and pettiness. It sucks. Is it more than what the average person experiences? Will these emotions settle into the landscape and not feel so prominent over time? Regardless I feel pretty bad a lot of the times.

I hate feeling anger but I think it's my surest sign of self.

I am still unsure if being real is better. I spent so long in nihilism and suicidal ideation that I still don't see a way for me to have a fruitful or positive life. But know that this is not necessarily because of my DPDR experience. I am transsexual with a genetic chronic pain condition which is exacerbated by my hormone treatment. While my brain obviously operate more effectively on estrogen my body does not. This conflict makes me feel undeserving, useless, and unattractive. People fall for my personality because I hide the truth of my pain so when they later learn the reality of how I suffer they just feel bad for me instead of running away. I don't know if I wish they ran away or not. Most of the time I wish they did. I am no longer suicidal but I desperately want life to kill me. Would I be able to weather this storm easier if I hadn't had DPDR? Certainly. Was my DPDR caused by my transsexuality and chronic pain as a defense mechanism? Likely. Do I fear my life may still end at my own hand? Yup.

If you are suffering from DPDR or recently found reality please look at a calendar and remind yourself how long you were unreal as you grow. I spent 9,940 days unreal. I have been real for 395 days. I have been real for only 4.1% of my life. That's it. I'm gonna be messy for a long time.

It will not be a fast recovery if you spent five, ten, twenty years in DPDR. The fact that you got out is remarkable. Never forget that. Here's to hoping this post makes me feel better.