My experience on the victim mentality

Having come from the undercarriage of social life, the depressed anxious shamed part of society I was surrounded by the victim mentality for a large part of my conscious life. I held it, the victim mentality.

Many people are born into situations either physical or social that lends them to learn towards victim rather than say, survivor. Not everyone is so lucky. I had to build my way out of the victim mentality and it is no small feat. Almost two decades of anxiety and depression were battled, a lifetime of self shaming and fear to overcome, an amalgam of bad habits wrestled with. I spent at least fifteen years in chaos. It took me six years to hit the tipping point. Six years of concerted, committed, careful, effort to finally overcome the victim mentality.

Before I finally committed to recovery, I wanted help, I sometimes looked for help, but I never knew what to do with it. I was too ashamed, stuck in too dark a place. I wasn't quite ready.

Some say the help you receive before you are ready has little to no impact. I disagree. While a single instance may not amount to much, a long history of people being supportive makes the process a little smoother, a little easier once you finally take hold. If my memories were filled with people who were unsupportive it might have taken an even deeper amount of effort to figure it all out.

Taking control

I know lots of people talk about how to inspire that moment where you finally take hold of your own life and never let go again. I write for myself, and mostly so I never forget the process. I really believe this archival habit of mine is a strong element to my continued success.

Looking back, I have always been an archivist. I journaled here and there, but never deleted, never trashed. My digital journal alone began it's journey in later 2011. I finally gained steam around early 2013 and since then I have written on 50% of all days since 2013. That's a lot of writing. A lot of self reflection. And I am proud of that.

Here's a quote from the very first entry on my digital journal from October 29th 2011

i think i did ok today despite having played games for multiple hours. i wonder how i will curb that mental trap. in fact, right now i want to play it again. maybe get high and slam.

that might be ok. i need to put in place a schedule/regiment of when/how long i can play video games. hopefully it gets less and less as time goes on and then i play no games at all.

I am proud to say that I have all but given up video games. They rarely consume my time and when they do, I am intentional about it. So maybe it took seven years but whatevs. I made it.

From a poem I wrote a number of years ago:

Life is more interesting than that

Impossible it seems to be understood wholly,
To feel less alien and more human.
Each of us orbiting in and out of relationships
causing cataclysmic shifts in the arc of our lives.

Every time you bump into someone here you are affecting not just the other person, but yourself as well. You choosing to interact does something to you however small. Every moment is sacred. Every interaction a cosmic mess and that's okay.