Why must I keep trying?

I have been on the verge of wanting to make more progress in my transition. I am still trapped by so many things. I want to keep moving forward. I want to become stronger.

Every time I get right in front of one of my walls it is always the physical pain I experience that laughs at me. I can no longer tell if I want to learn how to be expressive, or if I should give up.

I want to be expressive, to have gender, to be able to look at cis people without assuming something negative. But I feel my chronic pain is a never ending tunnel into all the old ways of being.

Can't I just accept this is my limit?

I fucking hate this shit.