A great deal of my life is trapped in orbit around the idea of recovery and healing from trauma, life. I hope you find inspiring words here.
Expect to see me as prideful or even arrogant in this post.
I just finished watching an anime called Re: Zero. The transfeminine community seems to have fallen in love with one of its characters, so I felt compelled to understand why.
Surprisingly, this is a solid anime. It speaks …
A cool person I spent time with for the second time, reminded me that she had seen a timeline I posted on /r/transtimelines a long while back. Amazing that she had recalled it. Yet the image of me snuck inside her memory.
Reflecting on this moment I suddenly felt …
It's national coming out day. I've watched it roll by many years. I hadn't participated because it bothers me that the concept of coming out is seemingly strictly for sexuality and gender. To me, coming out is about no longer suppressing a part of you. I still do that a lot in many areas of my life. I guess I had to take care of the most pressing issues first, and I'll get to the others. Hopefully.
You knew this wouldn't be easy. You knew it had a chance of breaking you. Not everyone can even acknowledge or discover what they need to change. But you did. And then you fell. Again. And again.
If you get a bruise you can expect that to heal quickly. Break …
This was a phrase I vomited during high school. I don't know if I really like it. It may be forcing too much. But humor me and explore what this could mean.
Today I felt privy to another tipping point, or at least noticing one. I really appreciate tipping points because they often are markers for when reality shifts. Often a lot of hard work and time finally hit as a tipping point. Often you don't see them coming and sometimes don't …
Today, I got a reply from an attractive trans guy on a dating site. He's only in town for a couple days, same here.
I fought hard now for five years. I started in total depersonalization, empty, desperate. I saw the world through a lens so thickly bleak I felt …
Age. Who we should be. I won't live that way ever again. I will not let my preconceived notions of age determine how I see people.
I will afford others the freedom to play with how they feel. To sometimes act child-like. And other times act as a protector. Or …
This mantra is a choice. A reminder to never let the bad become who I am.
I am fragile minded still. I can admit that. Something that stills tries to make me feel inadequate, unlovable. I have so many habits built on my past life weighing me down. Every time …
This may not seem intuitive. But I'd like to unpack this and describe how this has been valuable for me over the last few years.
This page from my journal really hits me as a great example of my dissociation. I am happy to be seeing such differences in my thinking as compared to a year ago. I really hope as I read through this journal I find the shift from DPDR to reality.
In …
If ever I thought I could be here, I trusted the fact that it would only happen should I allow myself to. Letting go. Imagining a possible future and the steps to reach it.
I ask myself this a lot:
If someone like me -- in all my traumas, fucked-up-ness, hurdles, intelligences, talents, gifts -- were to recover, to find their whole self, what would it look like?
This question has led me for years now. I trust it. Maybe you will too.
I'm here. I did it. This is such a new feeling I do not know what to do with myself. I am real. I am REAL.
I have spent my entire life feeling detached from my body and my life. Always an observer, watching someone else's life. At age three I was petrified by my gender preferences knowing I dare not speak of it. My mother claiming I was never comfortable in my own skin could also have been indicative of my connective tissue disorder. By age eight I was using my intellect and empathy to turn myself down to avoid unwanted attention. By puberty, I was bullied, suicidal, and began tearing apart any sense of identity I had left. I have never felt real. Until now.
