Finishing Re:Zero - another acknowledgement

Expect to see me as prideful or even arrogant in this post.

I just finished watching an anime called Re: Zero. The transfeminine community seems to have fallen in love with one of its characters, so I felt compelled to understand why.

Surprisingly, this is a solid anime. It speaks of relevant themes, shows great character development, while maintaining loads of mystery. Well that's my take.

I am powerful

and I hate it.

But I am learning to accept it. Like the main character in the anime learning a similar lesson, it can be hard to know you have it and use it without feeling embarrassed.

I have effected so many lives. I will continue to do so. I am reminded regularly of this in me by the words and actions of those in my life. So many people open their hearts to me. So many willing to support me. It is clear I can deeply effect people. And it is my wish to see everyone grow into themselves, and create their happiness.

I inspire empathy. I am that grounded, calm, open-hearted, loving, inspiring, hopeful, girl that makes you want to be nicer. I believe every moment holds grand weight. I carry intense responsibility and do my best to use it for the betterment of those I love. The window I see the world through inspires people so much and yet I did not choose it. Where I acquired this character I cannot know. But I suppose I can be grateful I have it.

I hold myself back

I have this history of entering people's lives, then subconsciously reflecting back their needs, and allowing them to disappear after their resolution. I don't chase anything. I don't ask for much. And I deeply believe that if someone wants me in their life, it is up to them to keep it that way.

I run away from people I desire for I do not want to fuck up their life by falling in love with me. I believe I am meant to be alone. My purpose is to lift as many people as I can before I pass. As much as I want to be in someone's life intimately, lovingly, for a long time, I am unwilling to let them sacrifice their life to the tranny wrapped in chronic pain who's hoping to die sooner than later.

I feel I am a burden. I am a compromise. I am pitiable. So I must become as independent, strong, and alone as possible.

Why

As I try to resolve these conflicts, I inevitably end up thinking about my lack of identity. All that time, feeling unreal, in pain, with too much empathy, created this.

I can hope that after two or five more years of being real I will have created my identity, and these feelings will shift. I can hope that after all this effort to take risks, ride into the storm, and live as daringly as I can, that I will continue to gain strength.

If I choose to follow the narrative that allows me to be fully human, I suppose I will get there. Maybe I will look back on this and see so plainly, so wisely, so happily, that I let myself continue to grow.

My path continues

and so I shall follow it