Tipping points. Have I crossed the most important one?

Today I felt privy to another tipping point, or at least noticing one. I really appreciate tipping points because they often are markers for when reality shifts. Often a lot of hard work and time finally hit as a tipping point. Often you don't see them coming and sometimes don't notice them until they're past.

What I've felt

Today I was in a place I couldn't articulate. A place so unfamiliar and comfortable. I am writing this post because of this feeling and I am hoping my words do it justice but all I feel now is possibility of failure. I promise it's related to tipping points.

I spent the day in Virginia Beach (see other post) with a friend I've known since I was six years old. That's 23 years I have known him. We've gone through so much shit, gone in and out, and he's seen my entire transition. And thankfully he's always transitioned with me. I think he sees me as a girl. More so than I normally do.

We were walking to a coffee shop after a heat nap. I'm walking alongside my friend and all my old feelings of playfulness, goofiness, joy are present. But there is this one thing different. A missing tension I had been so used to. While still regularly aware of my "femininity", I am no longer drawn to anxiety because of it. I can be seen as a girl and be fine with it.

I'm standing with my friend on the beach wet. In a bathing suit; a strappy top and small shorts. I put my arm around him and stare at the waves. Loads of people around and not one crosses my mind. I am girl. I consciously created a phobia of water as a teenager so I could convince people I had a reason not to go swimming. I fucking hated my body. HATED it.

For dinner I wore the same outfit I wore on a date a couple months ago. A orange tank top with some pleating from the bust and a shimmery black skirt with a tan belt. I wore it because I wanted to feel the difference. Months ago I was still un-real. I was there, but not real. Now I am here AND real. What a fucking subtle difference.

Tipping over

If you've been following my writing you might have seen some of these things tip in me. What events might have triggered them.

I vaguely remember reading "Tipping Points" by Malcolm Gladwell years ago. He does a great job of illustrating what they are using great examples.

This feeling. I am real. I am girl. I am not ashamed. I am confident. I am hopeful. I have tipped over from shame, disconnection, fear, self-hate. I have had a massive turn around. And I feel like I've tipped into a new world and I'm spilling out all over the place.

I've read many times, that the best we can hope for is coping. I do not believe this is a fair characterization of the realm of possibilities. I am not coping with my social anxieties. I have conquered them. I think we need better words to describe those possibilities. And mostly, I think we need a better way of talking about letting go, moving forward, and fighting for change.

What I am now is something so different, so new, I never thought it possible five years ago. Flat out impossible. But here I am. A friend just sent me a quote: "You are gonna be happy," said life, "but first it will make you strong." - Book of Serenity.

Fight for those tipping points and pay attention so you notice when they happen.