and off to a new life,

I said to myself as I left my life to travel the USA in my half converted van named Vanessa. A few years ago, I was near panic knowing that I had to leave everything I knew so I could find myself. After meeting the right people, and finding enough strength, I did just that.

Living in my van has cured me of my depersonalization disorder. I used to not feel like a real person my whole life. I had breaks from it sure, but by and large, I felt like I was always watching someone else's life.

I've been real since May 25 2017

Unfortunately, all those years in pain and depersonalization stripped me of identity and future. Who I should have been is now totally incompatible with who I can be given my limitations. Chronic pain is a horrible experience.

Why

I am an archivist. I love documenting my experience so I can refelct on it later. However for most of my life I was incapable of sharing my inner self. The audience you write to changes a lot about how you process what you share. I knew I needed to learn to share publicily in order to become real. So I share a portion of my self with the internet.

In this latest chapter of trying to find a new van to live in, I seem to have lost the energy or focus to write much. I am too exhausted, too depressed, to write publicly about what I am experiencing. Maybe once I find a new van and know where I will convert it I will find the capacity to write here again.