Questions from a year ago

This page from my journal really hits me as a great example of my dissociation. I am happy to be seeing such differences in my thinking as compared to a year ago. I really hope as I read through this journal I find the shift from DPDR to reality.

In this head space I forget about so many things. I flip between worlds. Is it a bipolar concept? or dissociative? or borderline? How do I conquer this? When the problem is, having deconstructed my reality to the point where it's all illusion, and I've avoided my own reality, how do I fix that? The world I know is empty, self deprecating. It inherently does not believe other realities. Mostly because that is the reality that concluded no reality is real. So it gets to be the dominant one. Every other reality seems to come in due to desperation or captivation, and always fades.

Stress, pain, attacks, bring me off my horse. And quite easily too. How unfair of me. I can't even love myself enough to truly believe in me. Oh right. "Only when you believe nothing are you free to accept anything." Good job moron. You should try to dismantle all the crap from California. See if that helps. And maybe just scan your past looking for conclusion that deny your existence. You can find a way right? You can hold on to some of it without it getting triggered right? I'm not crazy right? This is possible right? I can conquer myself right? Stupid cunt.

You are a girl. You always have been.
And now you look like one. Let Go >:(
All yourself the freedom to explore.

Yesterday while making food for my family, I had a near panic attack from associations. Reminded of times before I came out, I went into a crying fit as my mind scanned all these horrible feelings from my past.

It feels like the farther I get from my old life, the harder it is to get triggered. But when I do get triggered, it is bad.