National Coming Out Day

It's national coming out day. I've watched it roll by many years. I hadn't participated because it bothers me that the concept of coming out is seemingly strictly for sexuality and gender. To me, coming out is about no longer suppressing a part of you. I still do that a lot in many areas of my life. I guess I had to take care of the most pressing issues first, and I'll get to the others. Hopefully.

I am an example of what they call transsexual female / transgender woman / trans feminine

For many, hiding a part of who they are is required for survival. Bullying, abuse, trauma, and many other negatively connotated words can cause a person to feel like they must hide a part of themself. As a culture we do a great job of liking some things and despising others. We want to voice our opinions and share who we are. There will always be people who feel like they must either hide or stand in the face of others. These things can be as simple as preferences in music, flavors, foods, clothing, movies, tv shows, the list could go on. What are your first thoughts while reading these statements?

Game of Thrones is the best show ever

I really like Nickleback

I love a pumpkin spice latte

Bacon is the only food I need

Crop tops are my favorite!

I share this side of the story because I know so many people in my life who are riddled with stress, anxiety, pain, because of suppressed and repressed feelings/emotions/experiences. Often we don't know how much these elements weigh us down. I urge everyone to put space in their lives for introspection and self exploration. You are the only person who can help you overcome and rise up.

I also have a genetic condition they call Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS)

A connective tissue disorder that somehow effects my body's ability to produce collagen. Collagen is everywhere in your body. It is the structure that holds us together. Some use the analogy that collagen is like glue. I describe that my I'm stuck with Elmer's glue whereas most have Gorilla glue. For me, this condition manifests mainly as joint hypermobility. My ligaments are too loose, and the connective tissue surrounding my joints is weak and unstable. Because my ligaments do a terrible job of keeping my skeleton in place, my muscles overcompensate. They are constantly flexed, trying to support my joints, which causes them to spasm indefinitely.

This condition has caused my pain for over fifteen years. My first attempts at getting help for my problems resulted in little attention. The suppression of myself had taught me it would be easier to hide from the pain than attract attention. It didn't take long for me to repress the feelings of pain and only perceive it as anxiety. Growing up I thought anxiety hurt, physically. I didn't know there was a difference between the two. I finally got "officially" diagnosed at age twenty six.

This condition causes considerable pain, daily. I never thought accepting my body as transsexual would unleash the repressed pain. Learning to cope with my body pain has been harder than the challenges of accepting who I am. Thankfully, ever year that passes I get stronger and stronger. And maybe one day, after the miracle of the universe has worked its magic, I may be considerably healthy again. I do more than hope, I act.

The foundation of my experience is dissociation

Something I don't really talk about. I have a kind of dissociation disorder that leaves me feeling like an observer to this life in front of me. My oldest memories are painted with the same disconnect. Probably the most difficult part of my life to describe, my dissociation is the root of my struggles but also my talents. The more I try to describe this awkward, frustrating, scary, part of my reality, the less connected I become. It is almost like I have to travel through a really long really small tunnel to get from my experience to the outside world. Inside is a world oscillating, swirling, clashing, constantly which takes considerable effort to harness and utilize.

How do you describe to someone that you don't hold identities? And yet it appears you display them all the time? Or explain that I don't act in my own interest despite knowing I do? It is this subtle problem that I have all the things a normal human has, but they are buried in the mess of my dissociation. I sometimes claim I have always known everything I will ever know, but I need to go through the experience of figuring out what it was. What that likely means is that who I am has always been with me, and it takes considerable effort for me to harness it. I try hard to cement my grasp on my reality.

As of today I have found my way out of my depersonalization hell for five months. Five months I have been real. Feeling real is the most amazing wonderful awesome feeling I have ever felt. I've never had a feeling this big before. The truth of this part of my experience plays a huge role in how I interact with the world. Imagine having been trapped in a movie theater your whole life drooling over the thought of actually living the life you see in the movies and suddenly, you can.

I am supposed to make a conclusion I guess

Coming out, can be seen more abstractly than simply reserving it for gender and sexual minorities. The battle between suppression/repression and culture/community/expectations is real. We all hide some parts of our selves. We should hide less. Stand in the face of life and declare who you are.

I am not stagnant. I will change. I will express.