Letting something out

I have been mildly depressed for weeks now.

A girl who I really liked, and who really liked me, dumped me. It still hurts. The weather out here is colder than I would like, but I am trapped here for a time. My mouth has been hurting for about two weeks from dental surgery. I can't eat food the same way right now.

I think all these things have led me to get depressed. I know I need a change. I know leaving this place will do it. I need to return to warm shining sun weather. But I cannot. I am still stuck here for a while. So I endure.

But gosh how I have been thinking about death. How nice it would be.

I had a stretch of about a week where I was taking opiates every day. Not as nice as you might think because I had active intense pain to smother, but still I think it made me more aware of how raw I feel in general, and especially the day after taking it. I also seem to think I am hurting more and more easily since I increased my dose of estrogen. Hard to say really. But as I gain weight, and do more, I also seem to be hurting more and tolerating less.

Each time I am about to hang out with someone I feel like I should just run away. I am not good enough. I am too difficult to be friends with. I am so tired. But as soon as I see them I switch on the social Luna. I reflect them back because I have to and the experience makes me feel better. I feel better because I know I can do that for people. So long as I have the alone time to recharge.

I recall that hippy guy from California who carried a vile of cyanide in a necklace claiming

A prison becomes a home when you have the key

I still wonder if this is the right approach for me. Should I have something always available to me to end my life. Will that help me cope with reality? It probably doesn't because that man did eventaully kill himself. And it is more likely I would do the same if I had the key with me all the time.

But the fact remains. Right now, I am incapable of having the long term committed connections with people which are likely what I need to survive the rest of my life.

Am I doing myself a service being nomadic? Will I know when being nomdaic stops being good for me? Would it every be okay if I were to end my life?