I hate being real

I really want to hope that all my hatred of being real comes when I am in significant pain. But I don't even know what to think anymore.

I want to sever all my relationships and run away. I hate my pain. I hate being in pain. Why can't I do anything about it? Why can't I just stop this bullshit, learn new things, and find more recovery? Hmm? Come on you piece of shit. Why?!