so I can finally end this life.

I am Luna Inanis Umbra. And I want life to kill me so bad. While I can live in the headspace that life is wonderous spectacular amazing, this is the perspective I have always returned to: Please kill me universe.

I often wonder why I have to feel this way. So many people in this world want to think it's because transsexuality is a mental illness. However, I do think the consequences of my transsexuality led me to the mental state I am in today. As in, I have always felt like I was watching someone else's life. This is because of my transsexuality, not because someone else hurt me. The physical incongruence between my body and mind created an atmosphere where, in this lifeform, the result was depersonalization. Subsequently, it was the lack of awareness, support, and education about the possibility of humans like me that led me into further chaos and disarray.

Anyway.

This shadows section of my site is how I separate the life I want to remember from the life I am trying to let go of. This old way of thinking, suicidal, hopeless, self-hating, can end.

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Below are older versions of what I had in my "about page" on the main site each separated by the horizontal rule.

Hi! I am Luna Inanis Umbra and I am an asshole. My truth is that I am living in a van, away from everyone I know so I can finally figure out whether I want to live or die.

Having spent so many years in depression with all my other bullshit I finally hit that breaking point. No I don't really want to die, but I knew I would have to take drastic action to make this life worth living. Starting this website is one option I am trying to create meaning and break down my barriers to sharing my inner self. I'll let you know if it helps.

I can't tell you how much I hate doing this. "Expressing" myself through the design of this website, choosing the photos of me, sharing my thoughts, being public. I wish I didn't have to do this. I just know it's likely to be good for me.

Living in a van has been the most obvious, desirable path I have ever taken. I have always wanted to run from culture and other people. Exemplified by my long walks at night alone, the further I am from other humans, the stronger I can hold to my window. I've never wanted much, never needed much, and always lived in smaller spaces. The van, is just perfect.

I know what I am: I am blessed. Truly. I have a genetic chronic pain condition that has been a significant problem since I was twelve. I happen to be transsexual, and couldn't describe that until I was twenty four. I have a problem with this thing called 'depersonalization' where I don't 'feel real' and I'm not allowed to 'act on the world'. Mix that together inside this and you get a pleasant, empathetic, supportive human who can almost never show you their true self. You might end up thinking I'm awesome, but it seems just a facade to me. A choice, to give people what I can't have. Unpack that you wannabe therapists ;)

80 days later

Wow. Just. Wow. I am changed so much by this new life. In all the best ways I had hoped for.

• This website has played a role in pushing me to be open to the whole anonymous internet in my translation of thought.
• Living in the van has forced me to be totally engaged in my own survival.
• Knowing I have the freedom to be as I please with people since I may never see them again has created an environment where I get to try out different ways of being every week.
• And that same environment allowing me comfort and peace of mind to try new things I might never have before.
• I shifted my habits away from technology and placed them more in creative, expressive, physical pleasures. Like reading, sewing, violin, home improvements, and cleanliness.

In a recent post I described that I finally feel real. I may have tipped the scales on that war in a permanent way. Certainly how I feel now is something I haven't felt in so long it may never have existed before. My depersonalization defeated :)

I have a lot of plans for my future, although no different than the years prior, but now they are real, good, mine, and I'm ready for it. My only major concern left is income. After my assets and funds diminish, money will become a very real thing to resolve. For now however, I press on.

I go by Luna Inanis Umbra. I am an empathic transsexual wrapped in chronic pain who is desperately hoping she can find a way to live this life.