grieving over and over

I don't know how I am going to make it. I don't know why I even should.

I seriously want to know when enough is enough. When have I tried long and hard enough? How many will scoff at my weakness?

I do not want to live life with my body like this. And I am mentally unable yet to take care of my body in others ways. I can't eat regularly, sleep or bathe, or take my meds regularly. The fucking self defeating cycle. The least everything has been issue is when I am in Vanessa, in the warmth, alone, with no one.

Am I always going to have this dark inner narrative I try to hide from the world? Will it ever go away? Could I banish it? Could I recover so deeply it never comes back?

Everyone loves me and I have a lot to offer everyone else. Is that alone enough of a reason to keep living? Am I only feeling this way because it's cold and I'm trapped here?