I don't know what I want.

I've become more active in my old support group recently. I am now more vulnerable than ever as I attempt to rally people into making significant and fundamental changes so my support group can be a better place overall and for a long time. Having thse experiences now is showing me just how much of who I am is not me.

Well, there never was me, it feels. Everything I push myself towards feels like I do it to better my trans siblings. I am sure I have written about this before. It never seems to change. I have no idea how to live for myself. And I don't want to anymore. Why bother?

The reason I am writing is because of a frustration I have. I try to talk about this with people. Online, in person, on the phone, with friends, strangers, a therapist. I never get any kind of useful support. Everyone wants to push me towards living for me, and fixing me. Which is absurd because they have no idea what it's like to not feel real for nearly your entire life, nor to have had life tell you over and over again your most valuable skill is helping other through their emotions, or to live in a world of persistent unending pain and you have to choose between less pain or significantly easing sex dysphoria with hormones.

I want someone to help me accept what I am and help me lean into it. I want to find a way to truly give up my self for the greater good of my trans siblings.

I want to leave behind my desires for family, love, self fulfillment. Or rather, reinterpret their meanings. My family is my trans community. My love is for everyone. My self fulfillment is now actualizing this path of altruism.

I always wish I could have friends for friends sake, but that never seems to work. I don't know how to do that. The only people I care to listen to end up being those who need me. And those who have been in my life long enough know I suck at listening and helping after a while. I wish I could see what I am missing. If anything.