What can I do if I'm done trying anymore?

I'm 6 years into recovery, 4 years on hrt. I've got so much recovery under my belt I'm seen as a poster. I pass regularly and blend in always. I recovered from lifelong DPDR and anxiety. I survived suicide. I quit my life and became nomadic. I reconnected with music and art. I quickly bond with others while being truthful. I quit smoking. I have friends and family who take care of me. On the outside my life looks good.

I'm still stuck with my chronic pain. Whole body arthritis is exhausting, especially when hrt makes it worse. My never sense of identity from DPDR has made all progress on expression a bust. I've learned to cope with the pain but only by living so deeply in the moment I am unable to function in society. My empathy and lack of identity have created a great mirror. I am this example of recovery and happiness while trans because that is who I want others to have the chance to see. Underneath lies nothing. A collection of perspectives and a toolkit for Socratic reasoning. I do the bare minimum to survive so I can go on helping others. But don't mistake it for unhealthy behaviors. Trust me if I had a self to show the world I would have done it by now.

I finished my bucket list. The one I started six years ago. I've helped more people in my lifetime than most ever will. Dedicated years to a support group and helping lift others up. Especially my trans siblings. I got to experience love as a girl. I had a successful career where my efforts largely contributed to an acquisition. I've seen many places and marveled at the world.

I'm done. I want out. What's left? Understand this is mostly about my physical health, but no small portion to dysphoria either. I can't function like this forever. But I'm stuck like this.

I have tried to create values out of thin air. To find ways of holding on to life for a myriad of reasons. As it stands, the only reason I feel MY life is worth living, is to help others. It is the single most valuable currency I have, and the only purpose I can realistically fulfill.

### What should I do now?