Will I step up again?

Today is a bad day. Attempting to plan my next trip, finish up tasks, all in the cold of winter. I am not doing well. I thought I was going to have this figured out by March, it will now take until maybe July. This extra three months is fucking with me.

I almost called someone for support. I almost broke down. But I didn't. Why? Because I can't. I can't let anyone see me express suicidality ever again.

Fuck. It's funny how writing it down, and then reading it back jolts me. If my family or close friends ever read this they would be horrified. I hate how I will effect them all should I ever end up dying.