Ugh dysphoria and cis envy

I am what I am, I am who I am, and I can only change so much at a time.

Which is why I generally avoid life and society altogether. I live in a van, travel, avoid as much social media as I can, and spend a lot of time searching for other trans people to meet up with.

Today I found myself in a corner of youtube that suggested these creative, feminine, singer songwriter girls. I felt like shit afterward.

I know this is a problem for me. And it's likely why my whole life is designed around helping trans people. So I can fucking avoid the cissies.

Because when envy strikes, it's like a shortcut right to suicidality. Dysphoria comes rolling in. Flashes of lightning cascade through the valley. The moment between desperation and action feeling smaller and smaller.

I don't know if I will ever truly conquer this. Or if I will die once my duties fulfilled. Would it even matter either way?