Dreaming in pain

What a remarkable thing. Dreaming in pain. This never used to be the case.

Waking in a warm bed, my lower half aching, my shoulders crinkling, my heart at the bottom of a pit from my dream.

I sit again wondering when I will get this life over with. When I will finish my bucket list so I can end this. And why I seem to think I will still want to follow through with ending my life after I live through it all.

In a few short chilly days I will be driving north into the hell of winter. For at least two weeks I will be trapped, trying my hardest to not get sucked into the dark depression of frigid tense hell. And I'll need to borrow more money in order to get back south after.

I want this hell over with.