Wishing to leave and hoping to stay

I want to leave this life. I really do. For all that I could be, what's left due to chronic pain is so disappointing. The people I want most to be with are people I would only hold back. I don't want to ruin someone's life by letting them get sucked in to me.

But it appears I am finding some acceptance of this story. So long as I focus my life on supporting others I can still go on right? Fuck the cis people. All I need to know is my trans siblings are closer to happy than yesterday.

But I want to figure it out. I want to find a way to live without suicide. I want to have people in my life on a regular basis. I want to feel I can contribute and make someone's life undeniably better. I don't know if I want a life long partner, but I am curious to find out if I do.

I can only follow the path in front of me. And I know it is not over yet.