Life is indiscriminate

The universe is free to experience any kind of all kinds that it can. This means that all forms of death will and can occur. All forms of stories will find a way at one time or another. Some people die from old age, some of cancer, accidents, heart failure, murder, and suicide. That is okay. That is not tragic. It merely is. Trying to categorize the tragic weight of one kind of death over another should lead to the idea that all death is tragic, and therefore it is also not tragic. The choice is yours in how you see it.

It is difficult for me to start there and continue on. In one hand I'd like to talk about how I hope my death comes at my own hand; for any other option would seem like running from it. On the other hand, I want to write about how this very abstraction, is what allows for a person like me to exist. This empathic, loving, tranny wrapped in pain and lack of identity.

I feel like admitting here, for some reason, a level of my truth I so rarely speak of. So I hope only a few choice people stumble across these shadows.

bucket list

If I'm going to be stuck in chronic pain my whole life I might as well stop hiding.

I have been living off a bucket list since I began my transition. It all began here. I added a few items onto the last, a list of three basic elements:

• share as much as I can because people seem to value it
• do as much as I can for others
• experience as much of life as you can, as a girl

The scary part is how close I am to finishing this list. After almost six years I have only two left.

I will die happy after I complete it.

I don't know what will happen once this list is finished. I have not added to this list in over three years. And I am slated to complete it in the next two years. When I get there I imagine the final confluence dumping into the vast ocean. Suddenly, there will be no rails. No guide. No purpose.

A part of me wants to set a pact that if I am still in pain by then, to end my life. Another part wants me to set no plans and see what comes.

I will live in this responsibility forever. For that is what I am and what I must be. People say to accept yourself. That is what I am doing.