The life I could have had versus this fucking thing

I am not shy about admitting how much envy I hold in my heart. Envy has been a best friend for my whole life. Maybe if I could let go of it, I could look forward without a mouthful of sawdust.

As I tried to uncover what I was hiding over five years ago, I knew, I felt how much of who I should have been was lost. All those years trapped in that hell sucked me farther and farther away from my self. I saw all my relationships built on false foundations, vapid connections, all because I could not be who I am. But now who I can never be who I should have been.

Fine, say that this is who I should have been because this is who I am. Well Fuck that. I have been stripped of identity in a way that most humans will never know. Then, when I try to discover that identity I find I must now live in more physical pain. Like the universe is saying "Nuh uh. You don't get to be happy."

I am still grieving. I don't know how long this is going to take. Maybe this will be the last one before I can finally let go of envy.

But who am I kidding?

I won't ever get out of this.

My past, my future, is all caretaking and suffering. All the joy I feel is fabricated for the sake of others. So other people can experience a jolly person in their day. So others can feal some hope in their life. Does that make it real for me?

I hate this life. I can't wait until it's over.