On the other side

In my last shadow post I wrote about doing a big thing. I did it.

I am still unsure how I feel about writing this personal when it involves someone else but this isn't something I can avoid writing about.

I reconnected with an old flame from high school about three years ago. I never stopped caring about this woman. I had ended our relationship during her senior year because I didn't want to ruin her life as I saw myself slipping into madness. I still believe it was the right thing to do and it hurts every time I think about it. Above all I thought this person deserved an amazing life and I knew I couldn't be a part of that while being swallowed by shame. Shame that I am transsexual.

Today I had to confront her about what I've experienced during this new chapter of our story. Most importantly, acknowledge the role she played in saving my life. As I had assumed, she had figured out my plans with Vanessa. The last thing I asked of her before I left this spring was to help me find a dress to wear to the dance performance I saw in April. We went shopping and found something simple, that fit well enough, and I didn't feel horrible in. At the end of that visit she gave me a hug I won't ever forget. In that moment I knew she knew and I cried as soon as it was safe to do so. Fast forward to the day of the dance performance and I'm sitting in Vanessa staring at the dress. I did not predict how important this moment would be to me. Having her association to the dress, her acceptance of me, her telling me it is okay to be in the present while simultaneously washing my past of shame and guilt, empowered me deeply.

I also needed her to tell me that there was no chance of intimacy for us. As much as I knew this, I had spun such a web of fantasy and false hope over the years because she was the last person to love me before I collapsed into nothing. Thankfully she gave me that and I feel ready and clean to let go. After all, I care much more about being in her life. It's not like I haven't befriended an old love before... Nor that I have a shortage of opportunities with future lovers.

While I ache somewhat tonight about being alone, with no false hopes to squelch that feeling, I am mostly overwhelmed with joy. I was able to bring forth into the world something I needed saying. I pushed into a dark territory for me without crashing under its weight and flopping about. She made me feel my presence in her life was just as valuable as hers is in mine.

In my fantasy world I have cried into her hug for days out of gratitude, relief, joy. I am real. I am no longer suicidal. I am becoming a person again. She is a huge component to helping me get here. Thank you so fucking much. Thank you thank you.