Grieving patiently

I shouldn't be writing about this here. But I am. Grieving is tough. Grief can be so consuming you forget there was life outside it. And in some ways it really is easier to stay inside grief. Never Let Go.

What's fascinating me in this moment, is how differently I process grief now. In most cases, I see grief as a sign I am on my way to letting go. If I was not grieving, then I didn't start the process yet. I would still be stubbornly holding on to something. Unwilling.

I am fine. When I'm not fine, I am learning something.

This resonates so deeply within me now. Thankfully, I truly believe in the power of this phrase. Grief, sadness, crying, over something is a sign I will most likely let go of it. Seeing it in these terms helps me find something to let go of.

Recently, I had to admit to an old love that I could not stop fantasizing about a possible reuinion. For a few years we have been spending time together. Since the beginning, I knew my projections were unhealthy and unfounded. But I could not figure out where they came from or why.

My theories were shit at best.

Only after talking with them about it did I discover their root. I wanted a chance to show them what it would have been like dating the real me. Not some fucking shadow. If they could have loved me as a shadow certainly they could love me now right?

In fact every major relationship I had, I fantasized about and revisited in this way. And in every case I ended up befriending them. Maybe partly because I really want to show them what I am like. Partly because I still really like them. Partly because their friendship helps marry my past and present in such a powerfully healing way I could not have otherwise.

Yet here I am still crying.

Crying over that lost chance of knowing what that relationship could have been like if I had been real. Crying for days off and on. Knowing that this is part of a process really changes grief.

Letting go is not fun. Letting go is hard. Letting go is the most important thing you'll ever do.