Exploring sexuality sucks

I know, that I have a strong need to explore submissive tones of sexuality. And I'm thankful for the times that I get that opportunity. But I'm struggling against those questions. Where do I truly lie? What do I truly want? What can I live with?

I know that I really like being bottom. But not necessarily a passive bottom. I don't know if that means I have then be a power bottom, but I don't mind participating in these acts. But I haven't been with someone who wanted me to top in quite a while. The last time's I have weren't horrifying. So I don't often find myself attracted to men, but they are most likely to give me the dominance I often anticipate when I want to be bottom.

I am very attracted to women, but is that because I like them or want to be them? In the past, wanting to be one turned into being attracted to them and initiating relationships. OR so I think? But I am less likely to find a woman who's more dom than sub. And while I think I can be switch I think we're now riding against the other big issue with my sexuality.

My pain has totally changed how I can interact. Because of my fatigue, pain, and terrible joints, I am inclined to simply stay lying down. I hope the partner I have understands the consequences of sex and graciously affords me the comfort of not needing to do physically demanding work. How is this effecting what I think I can do in bed?

I'll be honest. At this moment. I hope to end up with a cis girl. Maybe that's because I would like to have kids? I do have sperm saved. Maybe it's because cis girls are the people I've mothered most in my life so it feels natural?

I think in likelihood, I'll end up with a boy. Maybe he'll have to be queer, non-binary, or otherwise not totally cis. Maybe we'll appreciate our own struggle to find who we are amidst such strong expectations and be happy we found it for ourselves.

But maybe, I should focus on exploring more so I can figure it out.