Why can't I ever get the good ones?

I have been with enough people to see the difference between those who truly captivate me, and those who I am happy with for now. I think we all need both in our lives, and that's okay. But something that's frustrating me is how all the truly captivating ones slip away from me.

Sometimes it is my fault. I slink away because I am unworthy. But most of the time it happens the other way around. For one reason or another I am pushed away. I think it mostly stems from the "I am unworthy" bullshit. I know for certain at least two of mine were.

It pains me because in the past, I had always expected to die, so I merely accepted their fear as truth and left. Even though I might have known full well what they were doing. Pushing me away subconsciously, or actively seeking sabotage. Since my desire for death led me to beleive I didn't want to fuck up anyone's life anyway I wouldn't pursue. And so most of the amazing people in my life are gone.

Some I came back to too late. Some we hang in the balance unsure because of distance. Some are right at my fingertips.

Now that I am real I am damn sure going to handle things differently. No more of this passive bullshit. I am going to beat into my head that despite my transsexuality, chronic pain, and propensity for depersonalization, I am worthy of love. I am going to find at least on intimately significant relationship as a girl before I die. I promise.