Yup, I'm thinking about death.

The day of the eclipse. Only hours away. I figured I need to let out the part of me I've been hiding.

I still think about death. I still wish for death. But I don't aim for it anymore.

Every step recently has been about cheating death. I am going to cram everything in even if it fucks up my life in case I die. Oddly I know this approach may save me. And in some ways I hope it really does. But I also hope that life kills me long before my body turns into a shit show for all this reckless behavior.

I hope I can find the right way to tell people that death is still the wind in my sails but I don't try to follow it the same way anymore. I use it? I don't know. I feel like I am lying though without acknowledging this important truth to my experience. And only if I can find a way to include it in my daily life will I ever be seen as I truly am.

I am very happy I have pushed myself towards my bucket list. Sooner than later. Truly. I am going to be at this point where I am ready in all ways for death. For now I must keep checking off the bucket list.

Or kill me now. What do I care?