Am I slipping?

I have been in more pain, hiding more, feeling worse, for days. I lie in bed hours at a time drooling over the dream of being healthy again.

I wish I could lift and move the bench seats on my own in the basement to take photos of them so I could sell them. I wish I could go outside and longboard. I wish I could have sex and not curl up in a ball of pain afterwards.

So many of my negative thought habits are tied to my pain. So the more pain I am in the worse my thoughts are. When I am in a bad place or in severe pain, I think about how unworthy I am of living any life. I think of how pathetic and shameful it is to be transsexual. I feel like a burden to everything and everyone.

No amount of people telling me I am attractive or pretty, or that I am special or smart or kind can bring me back. Worse, those types of compliments tend to trigger me more. Since I've heard that crap most of my life and I've never wanted it, or felt it, or believed it.

reprieve

So I took Vanessa out. Only to a neighboring town but there is a rest stop here. So at least I'm not at my mother's house. I tried to be productive but after eating all I want to do is drink until I pass out. Which I will go do now.