I still don't understand parties with alcohol

This evening I went to a house with my friends where drinking was involved. This was the first time in years that I had been in a setting where heavy drinking was involved. It was weird.

I'm not a drinker. It makes my body feel weird, and may trigger my dpdr. But mostly, when I am around people who drink I become fascinated with how they act. It's a bizarre experience. People often become sexual, touchy, and loose. I struggle to see it as anything but an escape.

I was hit on, touched, put in suggestive conversations, and even privy to a sexual act. I was a bit dumbfounded.

Partly, I wonder why people can't act this way sober. Partly, I wish I could connect with this kind of behavior. Maybe it's because drinking makes my body hurt more. Maybe I've seen too many bad things happen with alcohol. Maybe I want to know that you feel these things about me when you're sober.

I left feeling drained and empty. Hollow contact, alcohol as an excuse for touching. I do not live in this world. I am much more in the world of consent. Especially considering my physical pain.

Bleh. What am I learning?