Risk Therapy: What I still fearchronograph ~ 2019-05-26
This theme of posts is really about what I fear. If I am afraid of it, doing it will feel like a risk. It is harder to se things I Am comforatable with as taking a risk. So I thought it might be a good exercise to write down what I still fear.
- I fear the exchange of value
- I fear losing interest in someone
- I fear exposing my inner truth
- I fear exposing contempt for others
- I fear being given too much power
The exchange of value is hard for me. How much do I value something versus how does the other value it? This is mostly related to trying to buy a new van. How do I stick to my own idea of the value of something even if the other doesn't value it the same? Can I accept gifts of value without feeling compelled to return the favor?
Losing interest in someone is a hard thing to experience. On both sides it can be painful. I specifically am generally capable of being let go. But when I let go of others it hurts me deeply. OF course I know that holding on can be more painful than letting go on time. But it is difficult to know exactly how you want to handle the situation, and what ethics to follow. And to notice your own emotions telling you interest is gone.
Exposing my inner truth. Shit I hate doing it. Sadly I fear that by exposing my inner truth it will make people like me. IT feels like a different form of fear of power. My inner truth means confidence. MY inner truth means I have a life of my own. My inner truth means being more express of my preferences. Damn all that is scary.
Exposing contempt for others always makes me feel shitty. I do not like feeling contempt. But sometimes that is how I feel. I know it is not the end of the world, but I do not have a healthy framework for dealing with this emotion when I feel it. I hope to conquer that fear soon. IT always feels ugly.
Fear of too much power reminds me of Batman. In the Christian Bale Batman movies, Ras Al Guhl teaches Bruce he is afraid of his own power and what it can bring. I relate to this. And in turn I fear having more power than I want, and then abusing it. I do not want to abuse my power, but I do think I should be allowed to feel my power.