I know you can find your way back in

Look. I know this experience is fucking horrifying. I lived it most of my life. And for at least half of it I just wished I was dead, tried a couple times, and the only real progress I ever made in my life was when I thought "If I'm just gonna kill myself why NOT do the thing?" So I would try the thing, life would get a little better and I would stagnate again. Until eventually I found a few things that truly helped. But more on that later.

Life is not hard. Dealing with your self is.

This was equally one of the most horrifying and relieving things I learned in my teens.

Life is not hard. Your body is gonna stay alive and you don't have a damn choice about it. Living is the easy part. The hard part is dealing with you, your inner you, your mind, your perspective.

Take 100 people and put them all through the same experience and you get 100 different outcomes. Some might crumble, others might soar. Some might slip into depression, others might take a few days off and get back on it. It is you, your unique set of experiences, physiology, traumas, circumstance which help determine your response.

The universe is free to experience any kind of all kinds that it can

Be it some anxiety plus a bad trip, or chronic dysphoria, physical injury, other other cause of this, we are the group of humans who get to experience DPDR, and thus get to overcome it.

Some people will experience murder in their life, or major battery, or life changing car accident, a stalker requiring moving out of state, or any number of bizarre, sad, challenging, painful experiences in life.

We don't get to choose some parts of our life. But we do get some choice in how we respond.

We get DPDR.

And I got to say, after all these years, at age 29, overcoming DPDR, I get these moments of feeling like a god. I came back from THAT. And amidst all the hard days, slips, stumbles, punches I have more resolve and fortitude than I've ever had.

But I will carry on,
Drifting around in the dawn always
I will carry on
Shadow, you can follow me

I will always have to struggle with the 20+ years of my life where I drifted amongst the waves, tumbling around believing I didn't deserve anything better. Just as someone who overcame their own trauma will always have to fight that part of their life.

Fueling the fire

The most important, if the only, thing you really need to find is the fire to fight this.

We all need different fuel for it, but I Think a lot of us find it in anger. Be angry about living this way. And use that as fuel to stoke the fire of commitment to find a way back in to your life.

Once that fire gets a solid amount of fuel to burn bright and long enough to give you a taste of what could come if you take the long path it will never fully fade again.

My Fire

In the beginning I mentioned what I found. I've written about this before here and on my website.

But in brief it all began with a few thoughts

1. I know I need to change, so why not learn how change works?
2. I have a habit of thinking this way, so how do I change habits?
3. I am ashamed of who I am so how do I overcome shame?
4. I will use my media consumption as a tool for exploring my own empowerment
5. What do other people have that I don't? How can I get what they have?

I know you can do this

I know you can find your fuel. I know your fire can turn back on. Plz never stop seeking a way back in to your life.