Walking your own path

"If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it is not your path. Your own path you make, with every step you take. That is why it is your path." - Joseph Campbell

Not to be confused with the path you envision for your self by your self. I have been reading Braving The Wilderness by Brene Brown. Predominantly it is about understanding the idea of "true belonging". In brief, it seems she concludes, as May Angelou did, that belonging is something that comes from within. Do you feel as if you belong to your self?

Most of the time I do not feel I belong to myself. When I began searching for my true self I was confronted also with repressed physical chronic pain. First beginning in my early teens, switfly became locked away as I began to be seen as a "complainer" and no one found a cause. Every year on HRT my chornic pain seems to worsen, and after years of up and down on hormones I concluded I could not live without it, but thus I must endure the pain. It is hard for me to belong to my body because of this pain which is the first obstacle I face before I can even reach dysphoria. Because of this I feel trapped. I cannot make progress on transition because of it. I would claim I am not full time even after five years of hormones.

But I also know I am not living some other path that someone else may have laid before me. Despite my crawl I am taking my path step by step. And while I have dreams of being farther along, it is clear I have made great progress already. Hopefully coming out of this depressive chapter I will allow myself to sit in this achievement more often than I have so far this year. I accept this is my life. I accept I will not be the vision of "normalcy" I weakly clung to growing up. And I feel I have healthy expectations of what's possible for me and my life in the future.

Brothertiger - Bottom of It

...
I'm trying to live in the moment 
Capture it on my mind 
But I'm always waiting for somethin' 
That'll bring me a stable life

I stubbornly go through the motions 
I'm hanging on to life 
Gonna get down to the bottom of it 
In time

But I will carry on 
Drifting around in the dawn always 
I will carry on 
Shadow, you can follow me
...

Shadow on the floor and  
I open up my eyes  
To the sun streaks in the morning  
I don't wanna rise

Following through the door and 
I don't wanna get behind 
Can I get back to you tomorrow? 
When I feel alright 

Everything that was broken 
It all comes back in time 
Didn't always know what I wanted 
And I still can't make up my mind 

My eyes they are wide open 
I swallow all my pride 
Gonna get down to the bottom of it 
In time 

But I will carry on 
Drifting around in the dawn always 
I will carry on 
Shadow, you can follow me 

I'm trying to live in the moment 
Capture it on my mind 
But I'm always waiting for somethin' 
That'll bring me a stable life 

I stubbornly go through the motions 
I'm hanging on to life 
Gonna get down to the bottom of it 
In time 

I always say to you, 
"I'll get away from this." 
Can I get away from this? 
Before I sleep? 

I always say to you, 
"I can handle this." 
Can I handle this 
impossible dream?