Finding another surge of expression

There is someone new I met at my group a few months ago. We finally started hanging out right before I leave and she did a wonderful thing for me.

She regifted me clothing that did not fit her. I've always struggled with clothing. I hated all forms of expression for so long, and I've had to force my way back into it. Even after six years of working on this shit I am still not good at clothing. I was less nervous than before when I arrived, but still timid.

It turned out much greater than I anticipated. Not only did I feel willing to try, but willing to play, and willing to let myself feel okay with the fact I was intentionally looking more femme. I guess femmephobia is still the right word for it. Also, her reactions to the clothing made me feel warm and fuzzy. I took more clothing than I thought I would.

And then there was the makeup. I have also struggled to get myself to do anything with makeup. Knowing this, she did a quick and simple walkthrough on my face with some makeup she was giving me. The last time I had this done was years ago all the way up in Canada. I remember so viscerally the feeling when I first looked in the mirror. I felt like a clown. I felt horrified. I felt disgust towards myself. I told my friends I felt I went from 0 - 100. They assured me it was 0 - 10. I could not believe them. That is until the husband spoke up and confirmed I looked great through his blushing embarrasement. Having a cis man struggle to hide his attraction to me knowing I am trans and he's married really struck me. The problem is totally me. Today, my reaction to the mirror was not so strong. Every minute that passed I felt more comfortable. Eventually I stopped recognizing myself and had brief moments where the person I saw was a really attractive girl with some style. Very new feeling indeed.

I hope I can find the commitment to both clothing and makeup. I want these things not to be a challenge anymore. I want to be unafraid and free to be anything. Keep it coming!