Am I right to keep those I love at a distance?

Last night I was lying in bed, mulling over my social life. How limited it is. How limited I keep it. And how I plan to manage the relationships in my life already. Why do I do this to myself?

I have spent almost a week in a lull. Pain and mental conflict eating at me. I have moments where I think I can do this. I could find long term intimate relationships. Those moments are nice. And then I realize what I would have to do in order to have one. The more pain I am in the more I want to recede. People continue to tell me to hide my pain from everyone in the world. And when I'm at my worst I want to hide.

I have done so much to overcome, to fight, to live. But the truth is I am disabled. I am severely limited in what I can do in life. Anyone who stays with me either has to accept I my limited presence, or learn with me as I accept destroying their life by living with my pain and darkness. If all I had were mental health problems fine. Because I know mental health can always be changing. But a genetic chronic pain condition like mine tends to only get worse. How is that fair to someone?

I cried last night as I thought of what I'd say to one of the people I love. Emotional because the last time I saw her she got some evidence of how bad my body can get; a fact I had been trying to keep from her. And emotional because I need to tell her that her choices in interacting with me literally helped save my life. How lucky I am that she would be willing to participate in my life for any real amount of time to support me.

The women I love I keep away from my life. Only popping my head in periodically to see how they are doing and if I can help. It is not fair to any of us, I know that. But my need for human connection, to be close to those I love is something I cannot get rid of. I hope that means one day I will overcome this and learn to stay.