People watching in a coffee shop

After a late night shower, I passed out naked in the bed. I was exhausted. I awoke before 4am. Gah, but why! I couldn't get back to sleep. So I packed up and headed to a coffee shop, only after helping two guys jump-start their car xD

It's only 7:30am and I'm beat. But as the place fulls up with strangers all waiting for their precious caffeine, their addiction, their pleasure, their conformity, their playfulness, their indulgence, their comfort, their agitation, I noticed something.

I looked upon the strangers first, with the lense of "how sad they must all feel"

The girl in scrubs patiently waiting, half perched on the stool, slouched, a timid expression upon her face, she barely glanced around the room. Within this glimpse I built a life for her:

Every day she wakes up and preps her body for the day. Years of practice with all the bits and pieces means she is quick good at presenting her hair, face, and body in a "desirable" way. Indeed her hair looked very nice. Her face, if adorned in makeup, was unnoticeable to my eye, and her skin looked well taken care of. Thankfully, she never developed real eating disorders so her weight, and hunger are not an issue for her. While inside this coffee shop the swarm of people build pressure, caving in on her, making her worry she don't step beyond expectations. We all know it's not good to gawk right? All this talk of the male gaze has taught us something right? Don't stare. That head down mode triggers deeper struggles, as simply the body language inspires the connection with unloving parents and too much rejection as a child. For some reason she finds her selfing wishing she had someone to love in her life. Maybe it's the kind of love we're told to want, but at least it would be love right?

What's remarkable about this, is the lack of translation I feel towards my own image. In this head space, I feel my value, my self worth, my freedom from expectations and culture, my freedom from the grind, my lack of desperation for love. Who am I kidding? I am definitely desperate for love. Funny that while love has no problem finding me, I have a hard time finding it.

A part of me feels attractive, and willing to accept attention. Which is huge for me. Only a week ago I was reeling back from the compliments and attention from a guy I met weeks prior. And at this point, after all this consideration, I cannot tell if very few people are attractive to me? or if I limit the people I can be attracted to because of my lack of self worth? Likely the latter. Although, come on, I'm not expected to find everyone attractive right?

What will the rest of this day bring?