Recapping my time in Bostonchronograph ~ 2019-07-23
I have not been writing as much. I have seen this as a good thing lately. First time in almost ten years where writing has not been a consistent thing FOR A GOOD REASON. Other times I have faultered on writing was due to extreme depression. This time around it is because I am active, focused, and committed to the life I am living. It is a wild feeling to be this way. I am so exhausted on most days writing isn't even something I can do. Today I am writing because the weather is finally cool enough to afford me enough comfort.
Since I have returned to Boston, I have reconnected with my local support group, began working on repairing and prepping my new van to live in, spent time building connections with new people, worked on new projects, spent more time than I expected on my sewing project, and struggled to sleep because of the heat.
I have found myself feeling more confident than ever. I no longer carry anxiety or shame. I experience all the other healthy things like nervouseness and guilt, but not in unhealthy ways or in extremes. This confidence has given me a lot to work with, and given me a lot of new experiences. I will admit my greatest place of nerves does come from being around cis people and people I am attracted to. I can still feel the ache of transhpobia around cis people. They are still, a form of "better" than I am.
I have also been more driven to push through my pain. Thankfully I have painkillers now to help me do things I really want to do or must do. Because of this I have felt more empowered to push into my pain threshold and do grander things. I will take the painkillers and I will wallow in my pain afterwards. I hope I am building a resillience and forittude against this and will lead to less pain in the future. I have felt more intense pain lately, and felt discouraged lately. At htis point it is hard to tell if it is the heat not letting me recover, or the extra pushing really isn't doing me any good. Time will tell.
I still have another 10 weeks left. Or maybe I only have 10 weeks left. Not a lot. With a lot to do. Trying to prioritize. Pick my values and focus properly. But eager to do so many things I am remiss to leave things out. What am I willing to let suffer?
I hope to have more writings of the fact on the day and sharing things I think and learn. But I have dubbed this chapter "Overload in MA", so I won't expect much writing from me.