Finding Anger

It is time I find anger again. I hate to say it. And I hate anger. I don't like it, I don't like feeling it, and I have been pretty good at not needing it for a long time.

I have known for some time I need anger. For years I have been confronted time and time again where anger would have served me well. All these years avoiding anger has led me to believe this about anger

Anger is one of the clearest expressions of ego and sense of self

Of all emotions, anger tends to come when empathy is way down, and someone reacts purely based off their own narrative, their own perspective. Anger, in most cases seems to say "I care about me and my world more than anything else right now". Maybe this is simply a reaction to my own struggle iwth life. There are likely many forms of anger and ways to describe it.

Why must I find anger?

Again I have concluded the same thing:

For me to succeed I must fix my body

In order to fix my body I must learn to be angry about my pain

My current and lifelong response to my pain has always been to shrivel. To retreat from the pain, the sadness, and avoid everything. This will not work for me if I am to conquer the pain. I have to be angry when I hurt too much. And then I have to use that anger to get up and fix it.

I have yet to find this anger because it hides behind some of the core struggles I have with my past.

I hate what I am
I hate my pain
I hate my history
I hate being trans
I hate being smart
I hate being "pretty"
I hate human expression
I hate human behavior
I hate culture
I hate life

These ideas live inside me like a rodent. Festering and spreading feces all over impossible to catch beyond the right bait and trap. How can I be angry when I do not truly honestly give a shit? How can I be angry when I lost my sense of self at such a young age? You telling me I have to create a self? Fuck that, how do I even fucking decide who to be then if I can be anything? The whole game is so fucking pathetic and lame.

My anger will only come once I actually care about my life. Whatever that fucking is.

I still live for others. I must. Because it is the only real reason I can justify liviing right now. Most of the time that is enough. Fine. My life matters more to others than to me, and they would be sad if I left, so live. Fine. Trying to find a reason for myself is still elusive. I live in Vanessa hoping to find it.

I plainly do not think I will find my anger until I find a reason to live for myself. And who ever really finds a reason to live for their self?

Here's to hoping I figure it out