The end of summer recap

I have been in Massachusetts for a very long time. In this post I think I'll recap as much as I can before I get tired of writing.

I originally came back in January to deal with some medical stuff. That switfly turned into a total overall of my year, deciding I would stay to help my mother sell the family home. This shift inspired me to commit more energy to my local support group. I spent the spring focusing on the group, and trying to stay happy. Once warmer weather began pouring in I committed energy to the house. A few months of effort and the hosue was sold. Now three weeks after the house is sold, I have prepped a bunch for my departure. Only a few final thigns to button up. I should be out of here before September 23.

Support Group Efforts

A few years ago, I became more involved in a local support group than I expected. I took on some responsibility which included holding a key to the building we use. When I left in Vanessa I did not properly pass on the responsiblity to someone else. I also started a website and new process for accepting new members. In my absense, the website went down for a time, and no one responded to incoming members for a period of almost 9 months. I was determined to setup a process to ensure this never happened again.

I found someone new to take on the legal responsibility and key bearing. With this new person we began devising a system to support the most important functions of the group. We decided to use Values-Based Consensus. This system seems alright and theoretically removes power from individuals greatly. We began implementing this system and bi-monthly consensus meetings.

I am so shocked by everything that has happened. There has been conflict. There has been progress. There has been people coming in and out, producing different levels of effort and interest. What has impacted me the most, is the amount of vulnerability it takes to be a leader.

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I chose to be less visible than the other primary person because I always knew my tenure would be brief. I had thought if I was less visible the group would lose less momentum and motivation when I depart. I hope this is the case. Because of this, the extent of my involvment has not been clear to everyone which also created some issues. I knew taking this one would push me with regards to my leadership skills, interpersonal skills, openness, and vulnerability. I was certainly tested.

What brings me some pride has been my ability to bring people together. In the few conflicts which occured, I feel I was able to help find resolution without contempt. Everyone involved has always had an interest to do good, but our own struggles and fears get in the way sometimes. I hope I never forget the impact these events have had on me, and I continue to expand on what I learned.

Selling the house

I told my mom as my energy began to come back that someone needs to take ownership of selling the house. It has to be their responsibility. Well, I finally got inspired once my hormones began to settle on a proper level.

I planned and executed a yard sale. We made about $1000. It was a ton of work, but got rid of a bunch of stuff. After that I scheduled a dumpster to arrive. We got rid of a lot of hazardous waste, donated a ton of stuff and cleared out the basement all within two weeks time because of my planning. Phew!

And what effort that was! The day after we emptied the basement someone came in with an offer. From there it was a race to the finish. We had just over a month to finish everything. Two more dumptsers were ordered, weeks of effort cleaning, organizing, and moving took place. The very last day there was a last burst of effort to clean the insides and we made it!

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This process taught me a lot about discipline. My owernship in the process came barely a week after my first year of being real. And in that realness there was more engagement in life than I have ever had before. I was motivated to get things done because others depended on me, because if we didn't finish I could never leave, and if I never left I would never see the people and experiences I was looking for. I had to engage.

During this I pushed my body more than I had in a very long time. I spent many days in a ton of pain, almost crying while working because the pain was so bad. But I had to continue. There was great satisfaction when we hit milestones. And disappointments when I had to stop because of my body.

I was also keen on this because if we no longer have a family home, I no longer have a "home base" I can always return to. I have used this house the last two years as a rest from vanlife. And to cope with winters when I ran out of money or something. Now this is gone. While I have plenty of people willing to support me in many ways, this conceptual change feels very important.

Getting ready to leave

I am about two or three weeks from leaving. I have had a lot to do. Still a lot to do.

I had a phew really big tasks ahead. Sell my old Mazda, decide what to do with Vanessa, deal with all my stuff, and finish up work at the support group.

As of today I accepted an offer on my car and I have two parties interested in the fridge. I can't wait until they are gone!

Vanessa was a tougher choice. I had thought it was time to get a different van. But then the reapirs I had to do were safety related. Once I did them Vanessa felt like a whole new van. So I have decided to keep her until at least March. Depending on how well she does during the winter will decide whether I keep her or not. But before I can leave I am also replacing the windshield, getting the rust repaired and hopefully adjusting the door so the contacts work again.

Finally, the support group. Things seem stable enough. I have planned my outro with a gathering. More people are coming than I expected. Honestly my engagement in the group and how others seem to view me is still hard to handle. I intellectually undertsand why I am appreciated at the group and by other trans people. That does not overpower my own internal bullshit however. It is easy for me to focus on my failings.

On being real

Being real is huge. Everything is so different. Everything keeps getting different. I continue to get more playful. I enjoy sharing myself with others, being myself, as odd as that sounds. I feel very little shame now. Shocking really.

I have reinvigorated my interest in my music visualizer again. I got winamp installed on my laptop with Wine, and currently watching it while I type. There is something deeply satisfying about having it in my life again.

I also feel a much deeper peace with my femininity. Or at least, the amount of femininity I need to express at the moment. I am eager to find a wardrobe I am happier wearing, and I see that getting filled with more fun and playful clothing than I have now. I am not surprised I was wrapped with so much shame growing up because, if there is such a thing, my natural femininity is on the far side of things it seems. But again, it may just be for a time I need to spill it all over the world before I settle somewhere.

conclusion

I am eager to finish getting ready. Get back on the vanlife road. To stop beating up my body on a regular basis. To find out more about who I am. And eager as all fuck for my tits to grow back 😖