Questions from after a suicide attempt

This was written in the midst of a partial hospitalization after a serious bout with suicidality. Never stop asking yourself questions. These questions helped bring me to life.

Life is not hard, dealing with yourself is.

Billions of people have lived and died all with their own experience of life, reality. Is it that life is hard intrinsically or that your experience, your perspective, is what creates the challenges you face? Is it intrinsically difficult to alter the way you respond to the minutia of what life brings? Can we assess our attachment to certain behaviors, thoughts, reactions, and make choices regarding their relevancy? Have you ever watched someone succeed at something you fail at and wonder how they are so lucky? What causes us to respond to events the way we do? and how do you close the gap to respond desirably?

How is it that some others do not struggle the way I do? Are my problems permanent? Which are conquerable? Which can only be managed? Can you approach your problems from many angles to determine which type your problems truly are? And how is it that others simply move forward after traumas, hardship, and problems? What do they know that you don't? Is it as simple as saying I will choose this response? What even makes an even something you will struggle with? How long does it take for you to generally get beyond the struggle and moved forward? Can you find the tools to help minimize the amount of time you struggle so you can move forward? Is this related to change and how we cope with it?

What is the difference between your self and other selves? Is it possible to see how another responds to certain stimuli and calculate the distance between your response and theirs? How often is the distance merely a formation of habit? Are habits all that hard to change? How often is the distance a gap in knowledge or awareness of a concept? Is it really hard to open yourself to learning something new?

Dissociation and its role in my life.

All of my memories from childhood contain dissociation. I always felt shuffled along by the whims of my kith, doing and being what they wanted me to be. This sense of always watching and always thinking led me to the conclusions I have formed and the perspective I have acquired. I have wisdom because I have never truly lived my life. My sharing is never just for my expression. I live in the windows of others and calculate language to account for them, not me. I try not to dissociate. My transition is about trying to take hold of my association. I only ever feel associated alone. I don't feel like I can ever get rid of my dissociation. What I am, what I know, has crafted such a foundation that cannot be rebuilt. My dissociation is me. Without it I would be someone else.

Positivity

I suppose I have limited my dissociation some in the last three years. Before was a total haze. Proof I can make progress. But how much more do I need? I have eliminated my judgments of others. I have found my sympathy for myself. I can understand my language choices better to accurately reflect my understandings and be heard by others. I sometimes have gender euphoria! I have support from nearly all my kith. My kith appreciate what I have to offer despite my reservations of compliments. I can take compliments without them knocking me down or sounding ill-received. I was able to participate on my first day at this program. However my engagement was nearly all removed from the actual group. I didn't shut down those that chose to talk to me. I did not panic.