Reunion with KC, overcoming fear

I wandered. At first I went west with my friend. Then I said, see you later. I hitchhiked, rode freight trains, and walked. At one point I Wasn't even using a sleeping bag, I just wandered, well I was coherent. I wasn't necessarily looking for the universe to prove it would take care of me, but it did. - KC

Further still, I am grateful for the path the universe has set me on. The one day I finally found myself back at the park where I met KC, he was there, I was told, when he regularly was not found at this park. And what bliss I felt, standing there, recounting some of my experiences with him. I stood in harmony, and wholeness.

He enjoyed nudging me like last time. We spoke of victim mentality. Having watched the Matrix last night with a new friend last night, I used it as analogy for how disallowing yourself to be a victim can greatly impact your life. If a trans person cracks and comes out but stays within the matrix, stays within the context that our culture likely hates gender variance/transsexuality, it is easier for the victim mentality to flow through you. To believe that you are the bad things others say you are. However, to remove yourself from that system, that way of thinking, to find another context/reality to live in, where you are whole, love, real, you can help avert that feeling of victimhood.

Another lovely connection we made was about the way we process. He described the mind as a filing machine. It does not make judgements, it merely files away. When it begins to make judgments is when things begin to go awry. This led me to recall my analogy about habits and overcoming them. The analogy goes like this: IF you have had ten similar experiences and you reacted to them the same way, you are likely to respond the same way again. You could view this now as a habit. And in order to overcome that habit it will likely take another ten experiences with a different response to balance out the old habit, creating finally a tipping point where you are more likely to respond with the new options. What KC pointed out, is how that level of thinking relies on the fact that you are still somewhat controlled by your emotions, and your mind. In fact, you don't have to be.

I don't believe I have written intelligibly here. I am merely regurgitating our conversation before it fades. As you should realize by now, this writing is for me, not you. Whoops, should I not have mentioned you at all?

I played my violin with a resolution not normally felt. A confidence permeating into the ground and spreading to the skies. I am reminded of the woman I met in Charlottesville Virginia who told me to imagine myself as a tree. Feet rooted in the ground my music light spreading from the leaves of my branches. I deserve to play. I deserve to play confidently. And should I ever get out busking, the listeners will benefit from that worthiness. One day.

It is barely 15:00 and I'm tense and agitated. So far I have read many pages, played my violin, had an important conversation, and did a tiny bit of cleaning. What will I fill the rest of my day with?

Ah. something I should work on. The body scan. From the book Living the Full Catastrophe, they teach a meditative body scan. So far I have been horrendous at it. I start at my left foot and barely get to my knee before the awareness of my pain sends my mind off in tangles and causes me to completely forget what I'm doing. Or, I fall asleep before I get to my pelvis. I'll stop writing today. I think. But I'll bet now that I'm more stationary, drifting from park to park with nothing to do, I'll be writing much more.