It's getting cold

I'm in Vanessa for a number of nights this week. As I am trying to get ready to leave, I am crippled by the cold and its effects on my joints.

I have had so many doctor appointments. I am out of money. And driving way too much. I try to mitigate the cost of fuel and money spent by sleeping nearby the appointments I have to do. But then I spend more money on food, instead of the food graciously kept in my mothers house when I am there.

I keep crying a lot now. Crying for the loss of relationships, for the added pain from the cold, and the implication I must return to MA in January in the dead of winter.

Before, I lived two lives, one female inside, another male on the outside. Now it is one of pain inside and one of female on the outside. The pain never left, but thankfully the female got out. And as I re-learn how to keep my fucking mouth shut, I feel less and less worthy of attracting people. I don't want pity, I don't want caretaking. I want no physical pain. I want identity. I want to be the person I should have been.

I am so grateful to have Vanessa. Where I can lie down and rest whenever I need it. Having this safe place for me always with me has allowed me to step up higher than I thought I ever could. And I hope she outlasts me. She deserves it.

I still hope for more recovery. I still push myself for it. But right now I'm feeling pretty down about it. I need to get the fuck out of this cold!