Tomorrow I have an appointment about pain management

In Vanessa next to Fenway Park for another night and another doctor appointment. I'm comforted by the aloneness. My trip with my friend was amazing for me to experience, but in many ways only confirmed how much alone time I need.

My appointment tomorrow is to talk about pain management. My first appointment ever dedicated to my pain and I'm kinda scared. I need relief. While my doctor has been considerate and empathetic I have no idea what will come of this appointment. I don't like talking about my pain. I don't like my pain. And it is my pain that drives my life.

In some ways I fear what would happen if I ever found a way to exist with little to no pain. I feel I would really struggle to accept it. Of course I'd feel happy to be pain free but I feel I would have to reassess my whole life. Again. Maybe that feeling is the same feeling others have and it's not that rare or whatever. But I don't want to imagine that other's trials are of the same calibre.

Something I've been sitting with for a week now is new chest pain. My ribs are significantly more distressing to me. It started after I went swimming. My first time that long in a bathing suit tumbling around the ocean waves. I loved it. The consequences however. Will this be a new normal? Persistent rib pain. More sensitivity to poor posture.

On the drive out to Fenway I was thinking about how I don't want a long life. I never have. I have chosen to live life. I have chosen to ignore many elements of the "right" way to live with this condition. Instead I am going to live life the way I need to. And should that end me sooner than later I will be okay. I am going to swim in the ocean. I am going to push my body until it breaks. I am going to complete my bucket list and be free.