Solar Eclipse

This is a two segment piece. I am writing before the eclipse and after.

I want this day to mean something. Even though I already know what it means I hope I can find some event/memory/feeling I can hold to while I watch. I may be asking too much of myself.

I put so much into getting to this eclipse. So much into this new life. Building something for myself finally. I have accomplished so much. This eclipse feels like another sign of progress for me.

The universe feels like it's already trying to tell me what this eclipse is for. As I see it, it's all about relationships. Vanessa broke down right as we passed the hometown of a girl I had cared very deeply for. The last time I saw her I was so entrenched in my suicidality I couldn't cope with the intensity of the experience. How could I not see this as a sign? Especially since one of my biggest hopes is to have a significant emotional connection with another human. With two people who are in themselves, who enjoy each other's company, play with each other, and feel connected. I hope I can find that one day. I need to find that one day.

The rest of the day was a bit of a shit show. The partial eclipse was disappointing. I didn't realize it at the time but I was intensely sad about missing the totality.

Interestingly, on the walk to the park where we watched the eclipse we ran into Tim. A man I met on the road south of Jacksonville FL back in April. Wild. Since we had seen each other, they drove from Florida all the way to Oregon and back. Why did the universe want us to meet again? I got to meet his new baby girl and chat a bit.

After, I became astutely aware of our ant problem. The parking lot we are in is smothered in ants. They have made their way into Vanessa in a bad way. I got agitated and tried to ensure they would not come inside. I failed. I am very grateful the part comes in tomorrow.

I have been causing tiffs with my friend the last couple days. Ever since it became clear we would miss totality it seems I have been taking it out on him. If I don't also get to see my friend who lives down here I will feel like the trip is a total waste. I hope I can repair everything: Vanessa, my excitement, my friendship.