3y & 4m into Hormone Replacement Therapy

My time with HRT has been volatile and blissful. A major shift seems to have occurred recently in changing to injections. Hopefully recalling my story will help me better understand my own history.

If you have seen my recent posts about injections you'll know I only switched three weeks ago. However in that time I feel like my world has begun feeling whole, for the first time. I've seen positive changes like breast growth, fat retention, real reduced hair growth, and a complete sense of self. It's amazing how dysphoria can be alleviated through hormones alone. These things were never achieved with this intensity before. I should have listened to my body, my mind, my heart, my gut, since I knew I should have been on injections from the start.

So listen to my story with hormones or not, but know that if you are on this path you need to listen to your self. Stand up for what your body is telling you and respect the people who are trying to help. Even if they don't deserve your respect, you are the only variable you can truly control when you're in that doctor's office.

Year 1

Eager to begin I allowed the doctor to dictate, but not without doing my own research. I started with a low dose, and slowly began to increase it. Taking blood work regularly.

My dose changed like this over the first year:

The day I got approved to start HRT I quit my job. I hated it anyway. It was only 3 weeks into HRT when I noticed my body hurting more than normal. While somewhat expected, I was nonetheless saddened.

I knew, somehow that my problems had always been a chemical one. I instinctually gravitated to the label transsexual over transgender, sine my issue was not primarily one of gender. It felt chemical, physical, biological in nature. Somehow I knew this, or I made it so. Dedicated I was, to ensure HRT worked.

After a emotionally traumatic and trying experience five months in, my pain had gotten so bad I began searching for its cause.

After a few months I convinced my doctor to take an x-ray of my back and the pieces began tumbling in. Shortly after I got my diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome from a geneticist. This was explosive for me.

I learned, that taking HRT would make my pain worse, and it was. And I hurt. I immediately internalized the idea that I must always be in pain. I trade my mental pain for physical pain, but the level remains the same. This made me very depressed. I began accepting myself so I could eliminate pain, and nothing I can do will get me away from it.

Shortly after my diagnosis I attempted half-heartedly to die. This landed me in the hospital where I had a remarkable experience.

It was here that I first experienced, that I might be seen as female. Many of the employees read female on my chart, which was listed that way because of a great friend of mine. These employees didn't question it. A new hope was inspired.

Year 2

As I tried to accept that I may be able to survive this, I found a job. I later learned it was one employee who sympathized with trans people who used his leverage to get me hired. Grateful, with a taste of cheap, the experiences I had working there were very important.

During this year my dosing changed quite a bit

I had quite the rise at the beginning of this year. Feeling happy about the job, happy I may be able to blend in like I've always hoped, and excelling socially in a way I've never done before.

My job had accepted me and seen me as female since I interviewed. About three months into the job I went on a trip with a co-worker. During the weekend we traveled the state of Texas. All that time together, so close, I couldn't handle the stress of being stealth so I came out. Then I came out to everyone at the company. A mistake, but a valuable experience.

I began progesterone at the wrong time. Work was super stressful and the progesterone increased my pain significantly. As I crashed, my company forced me on a three week vacation to deal with it. I hated it, but they stood ground.

During this time off I went to a conference where the same geneticist who diagnosed me spoke. In his talk, he mentioned that progesterone was not good for women. So I stopped taking it, and I recovered.

However I had begun to spiral so completely I couldn't handle it. I spent the winter in a dark depression, focusing on others, failing to take my hormones regularly and trying to find a way out. This is when I conjured the plan to live in a van. Run away from everything, avoid the cold.

I moved home and began searching for a van.

Year 3

I began year three, fired from my job, still struggling to get out of depression, but eager to find a van.

I slowly began to focus on my hormones again. This time experimenting with regularity.

I took 4mg once a day. Then I took 2mg twice a day. Finally 1mg four times a day. It was taking 1mg four times a day that helped me feel better. My body began reacting well, my spirits lifted. But my pain increased. This is my life.

I found my van and tried best I could to fight my self doubt, my pain, my depression to convert the van to live in.

After a few months I finally got on my first trip where my body began really reacting to the meds. I went north to Nova Scotia. Hope poured in again.

Another month later I went south for a month. My pain increasing but the warmth was welcome. The emotional fallout from this trip tripped me up so hard I fell into winter with a horrifying depression.

This is when I stopped taking my hormones entirely, hoping the increased energy and muscle growth would help fight the pain. It was the wrong choice. I felt disgusting, horrible. But I got through the winter.

I left on my long trip shortly before this year finished. I started taking my hormones as I should ready to accept it all.

Year 4

We are now past the fourth month of this year on HRT. During my trip I also began taking more estrogen hoping I could keep my levels balanced.

MY body was doing okay on the pills. But fighting the 3-6 times a day battle was always losing.

When I got back home to go to doctors I immediately switched to injections. So far my 3 weeks on injections I have felt better, gained weight, started breast growth again, and had desirable results with my skin and face.

Conclusion

I learned that my pain levels increase with my does of hormones. But my dysphoria is more important than the pain. The higher the dose the happier I feel, and the more empowered I am to cope with the pain.

The injections seem to be giving my body the stability of levels to ease my dysphoria where sublingual pills could not.

It was precisely my commitment to experimenting, to fighting my pain, that kept me alive. And eventually I found something right.

I may still need to play with my injection dose. That's okay. However the positive feelings I have now are totally new. And I cannot imagine allowing that to leave again.

Thanks for reading.