A lesson learned about how my inner pain affects how I am perceived

I don't normally write about the people I connect with. Partly a privacy thing, partly because it's a lot of vulnerability to handle.

However, I feel I had to write about someone I met this week and the subsequent communication. What I learned about myself. And where I'm still struggling.

A new person

I met someone I felt very drawn to through an online dating website. I rarely find myself this excited when meeting someone. Our first date went great until I ran away from their bed from my pain/shame-autopilot. The second day was awkward, hard, but they gave me a lot of space. I felt we were both sizing up the consequences of the night before.

Fast forward four days, I communicated I wished to come back and be with them more. Rejection was expected and my anticipation was met. No harm done really, but disappointed.

What struck me the most was this reply:

To be honest, I wasn't sure what or how you felt. You're good at masking it lol.

We just lost cabin pressure :| My pain is my glass prison. So much energy fighting pain I am unable to truly be in my body and out in the world.

All those years hiding it, building a fortress of coping out of ignorance, shame, and unsympathetic doctors. I cannot open the gates of vulnerability and connection, especially physical, without also allowing pain, despair, and sadness to ooze out.

I am very happy with how willing they were to respond to me, and move through the rejection because I truly hope it doesn't impact our ability to continue communicating. But on another level, a deep existential sadness of the truth of my reality is weighing heavily on all my worst joints.

I hope my awareness of the lesson learned helps bring me forward. I'm sorry I wrote about this on the internet. I hope that doesn't bother you.